It's Safe To Be Happy Now!

I experienced a flood of feelings being back in North Carolina visiting family a couple weeks ago. At first, I felt judgment witnessing old patterns, judgment among them. After a good chuckle, I looked deeper — sadness, fear. I was feeling so empty, alone, lifeless, loveless. I offered care for the little guy inside. I went upstairs, put on some upbeat music. I took a long shower.

After a good night’s sleep, I felt refreshed in the morning. It was peaceful to walk and play with Barkley, to meditate. And then the thick purple clouds began rolling back in during the afternoon. I sat with it for a while. And then I drove to town. I parked by a small boat ramp overlooking the sound. After an hour, the setting sun began to pierce through the sky. The gulls perched before me glowed a radiant orange. How is it simultaneously so dark and heavy and also so bright and beautiful? It’s the ratio of lightness to dark, I decided. I listened to a Trevor Hall song, “don’t you go to war with yourself...how you gonna hold all that pain? Let go, let go, let go.” I felt a little lighter.

Another good night of sleep. The brilliant white light of the morning sun woke me. A gentle breeze stirred the leaves of the pecan tree next to my grandmother’s porch. The ripples on the water sparkled. As Barkley and I returned home from our morning walk, I suddenly realized — “it’s safe to be happy now!” The pressure in the family is to always be busy doing something, anxious, lest you regret it! Unless you’re sick. Or sad. Criticism, complaint is the language of connection. But I’m not a kid anymore...I don’t have to play by these rules...here’s to turning on the lights.

Seeing all the old patterns, in the space of not fighting, a sadness arose...and then, freedom, joy.